On idealizations vs. reality
Last year I moved from Chicago to LA. Last week I moved from LA to Chicago.
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When I knew I wanted to leave California (again), I had a sense of shame following me around.
What would people think?
Does that mean I’m giving up?
Objectively, maybe I should give things more time before packing up?
Cue: all of the intrusive thoughts on being a hugegiantepic failure.
For the longest time, I thought California was the epitome of success. A sign you had made it. In all of my old embarrassing Facebook notes where you’d answer prompts like “Where you’ll be living in 10 years:” or “If you could have one wish come true what would it be?” my answers were all about leaving home and living the California dream.
Granted, at the time, I wanted to be a Hollywood screenwriter. I wanted to have an infinity pool like the Cohen’s in The O.C. without understanding what a mortgage was, or really having any concept of reality from my sheltered suburban life. After doing a small stint in LA in college and a little while after, I found myself itching to go back after a lot of reflection time during the pandemic. I even got my astrocartography read! Surely, I thought things would be better now that I’m a semi-together 30-year-old with a remote job living in my own apartment.
When I visited a few months before moving, I had the time of my life. I had plans every single night I was there. I felt free and open and like possibilities were limitless. I truly think it’s possible to turn into a different version of yourself when you’re on vacation. You also really start to picture your life in that place and how things could be. How you could be. I imagined the salt air freeing my spirit and the sunshine curing my seasonal depression. I imagined hiking all the time, casually grabbing Hailey Bieber smoothies at Erewhon, and bumping into celebrity crushes at local coffee shops.
But after that initial rush wears off, you realize that’s not reality.
Soon, you shift back into your old habits. Your old routines. Your old, familiar self of “tired after work” and “but I don’t have the energy to look good today.”
It’s like that old saying goes, “wherever you go, there you are.”
You can reinvent yourself, but you don’t become a different person.
You can shift your priorities, but you can’t run away from what you need to confront.
You can live your fantasy, but reality catches up eventually.
I think that as humans we think a lot about the choices that we didn’t make. We spend a lot of time obsessing over the what-ifs and the could-be’s without realizing the wholeness that already exists in our lives and in ourselves.
So my point here is that it’s natural to be curious about the other side and the choices you didn’t make. Sometimes you DO have to explore your dreams, fantasies, and idealizations to really know if something is right for you. At least, as much as you’re realistically able to.
If someone came to me with a crystal ball right before I left Chicago and told me I’d come back a year later, I still would have gone. And I believe in all that woo-woo stuff! I wouldn’t have listened, because I needed to feel it out and determine it for myself to become closer to my values, my priorities, and my core self.
Even though my year in LA wasn’t the way I pictured — and there will always be people that don’t get why I made this big choice and then “abandoned” it — I now have a crystal clear understanding of what’s most important to me which is being physically close to the people I love and in a peaceful, community-driven environment. There are many things I enjoyed about LA, and sure, I could have built a life there if I wanted to, but it really is all about what’s most important.
So next time you find yourself idealizing a choice you didn’t make, just know that nothing in life is permanent.
You’re allowed to explore.
You’re allowed to make mistakes.
You can always change your mind.
Everything in life is for now.
Entertain the fantasies but also don’t forget to see the beautiful life that’s already in front of you.
Xo,
Julianne
Journal Prompts
What’s something (or someone) you idealized where the reality didn’t measure up?
What’s a choice that you could have made that you didn’t?
And, what did that decision open up space for in your life?
What simple aspect(s) of your life do you take for granted?